The Pew Research Center based in Landover, Maryland, recently published a study recording a peculiar phenomenon affirming the wives tale that students who wear specific college apparel consistently throughout their high school careers will be significantly more likely to get into said college.  The study followed 15,000 high school freshman from across the country for four years, constantly logging the hours of college sweatshirts, sweatpants, t-shirts and panties worn, and finally the rate of their acceptance into their dream colleges.

Rayshawn Allen, supervisor of the study, commented, “We found that the proportion of those who wear apparel for a specific university are far more likely to be accepted”.

Apparently, the data collected  represent Allen’s most statistically significant study yet.

“The results were overwhelming, I am so surprised that more college bound students haven’t figured this out yet,” Allen stated.

With a p-value of .0000000247, and a consultation from Guinness Book of World Records representative Chris Culito, this is the most stastically signficant study ever conducted in the United States.

Head researcher Chadsworth Ochocinco explains how students are “seventy-seven percent more likely to attend their first choice university when wearing college apparel for ten hours a week.”  This amounts to about one or two days a week of one article of college clothing.  The results for more hours a week were even more astonishing: for twenty hours a week, the acceptance rate jumps to 109 percent, for thirty hours a week it is 132 percent.

Above those figures, the rate does not increase significantly until the eighty hour threshold is reached.

According to the study, students who consistently wear college gear are more likely to study harder and longer to achieve their goals.  The clothing operates on a subconscious level, serving as a constant reminder of their aspirations, and in many cases, the expectations of their parents.

“Well I’ve logged almost ninety-seven hours a week for the past three and a half years with my grey Berkeley sweater, and I guess it has all paid off.  I just wish Cal  had opened their lingerie store a few years ago,” Mills Senior Katie John said of her unvarying attire.

Another Mills student, Siddartha Sampangi says he also knew about this phenomenon, and is confident he will be accepted at Stanford University.

“Stanford? Oh I’m still waiting to hear back, but with all those hours I logged, there’s no chance they can deny me,” he said with confidence.

In response to this study, the Yale student store has ordered an immediate recall of most of their merchandise, as well as raising the price of sweatshirts left on the shelves.  Other prestigious universities intend to follow suit.

Conversely, the UC Merced admissions department has began a campaign to distribute as many free hoodies as possible before this fall.

Kaplan is also launching a four week pilot program to tutor ambitious students on the science of wearing college clothing.  According to their website, the course will be taught in a “dynamic class setting by… comprehensive and motivational all-star Kaplan instructors.”  Lesson books and flash cards  will be included in the price, which will even be reduced if purchased before April 31.

Mills student Sherman Siu said his mother is making him sign up, though he believes he has the fashion sense and college smarts to properly “mix and match his t-shirts, socks, and Bruins Briefs better than any damn Kaplan pseudointellectual.”

So all you freshmen, drop your SAT practice booklets and throw on your faded Stanford and Cal sweaters, as these articles of clothing appear to be the true keys to success.

This article was originally written by Erik Kramer.